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Fruit of the Mind Blog

Ungodly Dating Practices

4/2/2024

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If you believe in God (YHWH from the Bible) and are interested in dating for marriage, this is an interesting conversation to check out. It may leave you feeling convicted about how you live  your life and go about courting / dating for marriage. 
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An interview with the Gottmans

4/2/2024

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If you are a person who is interested in the science of relationships, this is a good introductory conversation to hear. 
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does being a feminist benefit you or hurt you?

3/2/2023

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Feminism and how a person lives out their version of this ideology can be a tricky subject when it comes up in therapy sessions.  I don't have the answer to if Feminism is good for you or bad for you; however, I have come across a thought provoking conversation that I think is worth sharing, so people can contemplate their personal relationship with feminist ideologies. 
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How can I overcome financial stress?

1/6/2023

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Here are a few strategies that may help you mentally survive the financial stress of economic hard times:
  1. Take care of your physical health: Make sure to get enough sleep, eat healthy, and exercise regularly. Taking care of your body can help improve your mood and overall well-being.
  2. Practice gratitude: It can be easy to focus on what we don't have during difficult times, but practicing gratitude can help shift our focus to what we do have. Try keeping a gratitude journal, where you write down a few things you're thankful for each day.
  3. Stay connected: Social support is important for our mental health. Make an effort to stay connected with friends and family, either in person or through technology. If people are willing to help you, practice humility, and accept the help. 
  4. Find ways to manage stress: Stress can take a toll on our mental health. Find healthy ways to manage stress, such as meditation, prayer, reading scripture, spending time in nature, watch something that will make you laugh, or exercise.
  5. Seek professional help if needed: If you're struggling to cope with the challenges of economic hard times, it may be helpful to seek the support of a mental health professional and/or a non-profit financial financial planning service. They can provide you with coping strategies and support to help you get through this difficult time.
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How do I get people to like me?

1/6/2023

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It's not about getting someone to like you because you want them to. It's about finding someone who genuinely likes you for who you are. Here are a few things you can do to increase your chances of finding someone who likes you for you:
  1. Be yourself: Don't try to be someone you're not in order to impress others.
  2. Treat others with kindness and respect: This is important for any relationship, but especially so when it comes to dating.
  3. Take care of yourself: Physical attraction is important, but it's not the only thing that matters. Make sure you're taking care of your physical, mental, and emotional health.
  4. Be confident: Believe in yourself and your own worth. This will make you more attractive to others.
  5. Be open to new experiences: Try new things and be open to meeting new people. This will help you find someone who shares your interests and values.
Remember, it's important to be patient and to keep an open mind. It may take time to find someone who is right for you, but it will be worth it when you do.
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How to apologize, forgive, and reconcile in relationships

1/6/2023

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An effective apology typically includes the following steps:

  1. Acknowledge that you have caused harm or offense.
  2. Express remorse for your actions.
  3. Take responsibility for what you did.
  4. Make amends, if possible.
  5. Offer a sincere apology.

It's important to keep in mind that an apology should be genuine and heartfelt. A superficial or insincere apology can often do more harm than good.

To effectively forgive someone, try the following steps:

  1. Acknowledge your feelings: It is important to recognize and acknowledge the emotions you are feeling. This can include anger, hurt, resentment, etc.
  2. Communicate your feelings: Talk to the person who you need to forgive and let them know how their actions or words affected you. This can help you express your feelings and facilitate understanding and healing.
  3. Practice self-care: Taking care of yourself is important in the forgiveness process. Engage in activities that bring you peace and happiness, such as exercise, meditation, or spending time with loved ones.
  4. Let go of the need for retribution: Forgiveness does not mean forgetting what happened or condoning the behavior. However, it does mean letting go of the need for revenge or punishment.
  5. Choose to forgive: Forgiveness is a choice and it can take time. It may be helpful to repeat affirmations or mantras to yourself, such as "I choose to forgive" or "I let go of my anger and resentment."
  6. Seek support: It can be helpful to seek support from friends, family, or a therapist during the forgiveness process. They can provide a safe and supportive space for you to work through your feelings.
  
There are several steps that two people can take to effectively reconcile after an apology and forgiveness:
  

  1. Communicate openly and honestly: Both parties should be open and honest with each other about their feelings and concerns, and listen actively to each other. This will help to build trust and understanding between the two individuals.
  2. Seek professional help: If the situation is particularly complex or if there is a history of conflict or resentment, it may be helpful to seek the guidance of a professional counselor or mediator.
  3. Set clear boundaries: Both parties should be clear about what behavior is acceptable and what is not, and work together to establish healthy boundaries that will help to prevent future conflict.
  4. Practice empathy: Both parties should try to understand and empathize with each other's perspective and feelings, and work to build a sense of mutual understanding and respect.
  5. Make amends: If the situation calls for it, both parties should work together to make amends and repair any damage that may have been caused by the conflict. This can help to restore trust and rebuild the relationship.
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What are some gift ideas for my husband / boyfriend?

1/6/2023

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Here are some ideas to consider when choosing a gift to give to your husband / boyfriend. 
  1. A personalized piece of jewelry such as a watch or bracelet.
  2. A gift card to his favorite restaurant or store.
  3. A new piece of technology such as a smart watch or phone.
  4. A book or magazine subscription to a topic he is interested in.
  5. A gift certificate for a spa day or massage.
  6. A new hobby or activity such as golf lessons or skydiving.
  7. A gift basket filled with his favorite snacks or treats.
  8. A new tool or gadget for his favorite hobby or pastime.
  9. A membership to a gym, martial arts school, or fitness class.
  10. An experience gift such as tickets to a sporting event or concert.
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What are some gift Ideas for my wife / Girlfriend?

1/6/2023

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Here are a few ideas:
  1. Jewelry - A piece of jewelry can be a timeless and meaningful gift. Consider getting her a necklace, bracelet, or pair of earrings.
  2. Experiences - Consider giving her an experience, like tickets to a concert, show, or sporting event. You could also plan a weekend getaway or a day at the spa.
  3. Home goods - If your wife is into home decor, you could consider getting her something for the home, like a candle, throw pillow, or kitchen gadget.
  4. Subscription - A subscription to a service or magazine that aligns with her interests could make for a great gift.
  5. Personalized gift - A personalized gift, like a custom piece of art or a special photo album, can be a unique and thoughtful present.
Ultimately, the best gift will depend on your significant other's interests and passions. Try to think about what she would truly appreciate and enjoy.
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Who wears the pants in this relationship?

10/18/2022

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I have encountered several couples who grapple with the idea of the what their preferred leadership dynamic needs to be for their relationship.  At the heart of the conversation is the question of, who is in charge of this relationship; or in other words, who holds the power to decide what we do and / or who is accountable for safety and security of needs when life throws extreme challenges at us? 

This is an important question that I believe is beneficial for all (western culture)  couples to discuss. As a framework for this conversation, I recommend borrowing terms from organizational leadership theory. Please consider this list of the 5 most common leadership styles as you contemplate the leadership dynamic of your relationship. 
  • Transformational Leadership
  • Laissez-Faire Leadership
  • Authoritative Leadership
  • Transactional Leadership
  • Democratic Leadership

Each leadership style has pros and cons for the leader and the teammate in the marriage. If you and your spouse haven't discussed leadership in your marriage yet, I hope you will give it a try and see what comes from the discussion.  


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The #1 problem in relationships...

7/14/2022

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 (It isn't you... It isn't me... It's our negative interaction cycle!  The #1 problem of your relationship is the combination of two people's self protective behavior when they both feel scared in a relationship.  In emotionally focused therapy (EFT), we call this relationship pattern a negative interaction cycle.   The image below depict what the negative interaction cycle is in terms of how it can manifest via emotions and self protective behaviors in a relationship. 
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The next image depicts what happens when an EFT trained therapist gets involved with a couple and begins to help them learn how to de-escalate and heal old attachment wounds, so the couple can exit their negative interaction cycle at will. 
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This old bugs bunny cartoon is a perfect metaphor of what it is like to be in a relationship that has a negative interaction cycle running amuck. 
  • Bugs Bunny = You / your significant other
  • Plane = Your Relationship
  • Gremlin = Negative Interaction Cycle
Don't let a negative interaction cycle destroy your relationship.  Increase your self-awareness, increase your emotional intelligence, and have a healthy relationship that satisfies the needs of you and your significant other by trying emotionally focused couples therapy. 
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    Lyle N. F. Williams, LMFT
    Full time therapist who occasionally writes blog articles about relationship and mental health topics. 

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